I had an interesting discussion with my 6th grade daughter today. The same one that wants to splice human DNA w bug DNA so that we can grow wings on people and end the fossil fuel crisis and global warming. Today the discussion was about Haley. Haley is another 6th grade girl. Another 6th grade girl that has decided that she isn't so crazy about my urchin which is totally fine with my urchin because she doesn't like Haley.
I have to stop right here and say that I am almost pleased with this discussion in a way because I honestly never expected my little science loving head in the clouds daughter to ever "get" Jr. High girls. I honestly thought she wouldn't even realize when someone was being mean to her - or if she got it she wouldn't have a clue what to do about it. I did say almost pleased...
When my daughter got in the truck and started in about her day and Haley in particular, I asked VERY jokingly if they were fussing over a boy. I was TOTALLY kidding. Like teasing a middle age man with a gut about being the next QB in the super bowl. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Teasing. My daughter didn't laugh. It was one of those awkward moments when you realize that you just told a dirty joke to your Sunday School teacher and she is looking at you in complete astonishment kind of moments. Thankfully when I put myself back together my daughter said "No, not boys yet, but I think we are close to that." Fortunately years of driving in blizzard conditions had honed my driving skills to the point that I didn't drive into oncoming traffic. Turns out that it is just normal pack position struggling and my daughter was giving as good as she got. But then the deadly question came (you know, I get those constantly) "HeyMom, did you ever have problems with girls being mean when you were in school?"
And there I was, instantly... 7th grade Mrs. Wilson's all girls science class. And my problem was Toni. I have no idea why my problem was Toni. I had never been her friend, never run in her circles, never made overtures toward her boyfriend... but there we were in science class together for 48 minutes and it was less than pretty. Mostly it involved gum in my hair. Toni sat at an angle behind me and spent her class throwing little tiny bits of mint flavored gum into my hair. I couldn't retaliate because every time I turned around I was in trouble. I wouldn't go to the teacher because that would just be admitting that I was being treated like a Jr. High girl by another Jr. High girl. Instead I plotted revenge and had one of the nice lunch ladies get the little wads of gum out with peanut butter. I did have my revenge. Several times over. And the biggest of all is probably knowing that I grew up to have a pretty good life, and I understand that the roads have been more rough for Toni.
And then I was struck with what to say. Tell the urchin about the gum (is that just giving her ammunition? making her think I am a whimp?) Tell her about the gum and my later ability to have said Jr. High girl get into enough trouble that she was sent to in school suspension for 3 weeks? For something that really wasn't totally her fault... and look like a champion of mean girl behavior? Tell her that we aren't dealing with my Jr. High mean girl time, but hers? It took me several long minutes before I decided to tell her of the gum. And the peanut butter removal trick. And I went ahead and told her that I plotted my revenge and got it, but didn't give her the details.
And then I had a question. I asked her why she thinks girls are mean to each other. She and I had a long quiet time. Both of lost in the fiery venomous encounters of bodies and brains caught between little girl and grown up woman. Neither of us had a decent answer. My urchin had more questions... "Does it ever stop" and "Should I always fight back?" and the quiet "Did you ever start the troubles?". I answered them as best as I could. But it brought back memories of other girls. Girls that never started it but didn't stand up for themselves. Girls that a few years later would sleep with a boy just to get even with a rival. Girls that really never got over that and became women who still fight Jr. High battles.
I wish I had easier answers for her. We decided the rules should be NEVER pick on someone that won't defend herself - EVER. Defend those that are being picked on and aren't strong enough to stop it. Don't EVER treat your younger sister that way - there are plenty of girls at school to sharpen your claws on. Don't EVER treat your mama that way - my claws are already sharp! Ask for help from a grown up if it gets too ugly - for you or for someone else. Remember that peanut butter gets gum out of your hair.
It is only scary before you jump!
SingleBrokeMom
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